That’s exactly what’s running through my head as I start to write this, and if I’m honest, I can feel my own inner eye roll too – especially after who knows how many minutes have passed trying and failing to put words on paper due to lack of focus. Even talking about ADHD can sometimes make me feel like a fraud, and in the past I’ve worried that naming it could be seen as just giving an excuse for “bad behaviours”. But that’s not the reality. Not even close…

Someone close to me was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, and as I went on the journey with them – speaking to psychologists and undergoing tests – it also gave me clarity on something I always knew (at least deep down) about myself. It was both scary and a huge relief to be able to put a finger on it and give it a name – as it helped me really understand what I was feeling, what happens and what tools I should use. 

Since I can remember, I’ve always had what I call a noisy mind. Something is always going on – my brain is overactive and that means I find it hard to stop, relax and let my mind settle. 

Because of this, I often find myself picking up on the smallest emotions – both of my own and others. I read – often too much – into little things that people do – and as much as it causes me to overthink it also makes me more aware of how people are feeling and can help people open up. That’s something I’m thankful about with my ADHD – my mind doesn’t really allow me not to care because I’m thinking about how someone might react to a certain situation, and 90% of the time that helps me be a more considerate person and a better friend or colleague, I’ll gloss over the other 10% for now .

I can get obsessed with things, and when I do there is no way I’ll be able to let go of them. If I have something to update someone on, I’ll have to deal with it straight away, and I find it difficult to understand when others don’t do the same. If I’m honest, I’ve never really had a real holiday because of it – but the small check-ins ultimately stop me from worrying and get me to relax. It sounds counterintuitive but it really does work.

I don’t really operate in the ‘middle’ – everything is either amazing and wonderful, or the worst day of my life, and I will always go into battle over something that feels unfair or unjust.

In hindsight, it was only really when I went through the process that I realised this wasn’t just about having (as I read online once) “five squirrels on speed running around your brain”. It was a whole way of living.

If you’re in a situation like me… here’s some signs I ignored for probably too long:

• Being hyper focused in some settings and unable to focus in others
• Having a short attention span and losing focus a lot, every day
• Struggling to sit still 
• Not feeling like you are anywhere near your potential
• Having a strong sense of justice and fairness 
• Struggling with hyperactivity, but often internally so it doesn’t always outwardly show
• Being driven, focused on overachieving but also overwhelmed by the smallest things and often close to burnout
• Being impulsive 
• Being overwhelmed in social encounters and self critical
• Asking too many questions, and all at one time 
• Finding it impossible to walk… or speak slowly
• And never tell me you have something important to speak to me about tomorrow – I need to know right away

Where I am now and what would I have done differently

Since I’ve realised what this actually is, I’ve really taken the time to reflect on myself (and my past) through a new lens. I’ve spent lots of time reading, mapping past history and behaviours, and working through what the best approach is for me next in terms of professional and personal support. 

In hindsight, I think if I’d have known that ADHD was more of a thing I would have been able to be more in the moment – I have too many memories scarred by catastrophising and making up worries that shouldn’t really have existed. That worry often distracted me, even at times from my own kids, and I do feel there were parts of them growing up that I missed because of it. 

There’s more to do

The reality of it is that adult ADHD is still very underserved. There’s still more to be done to understand ADHD in the workplace, the link with mental health, and the nuances of how it shows up in men and women. Women have the same rates of inattentive-type symptoms as men for example, but are less likely to have hyperactive or impulsive symptoms. That means that even though women are just as likely as men to have ADHD, they are less likely to have hyperactive type ADHD. These differentiators are nuanced, but important and fundamentally still under researched. 

So that’s the reality of it. The honest truth is that it’s hard… it’s tiring, and if I’m being truthful with myself, I think I missed important times in my life because of it. But on the other hand, ultimately ADHD has shaped every part of who I am, and my ability to hyperfocus as a result of it is a super power that I never take for granted. 

As someone who only really came across ADHD as a concept in my more recent adult life, I still don’t know the balance. I don’t know how I feel about the medications, the books, the chats with psychologists, but at the same time I think if I can really work out how to get the best out of that noise in my brain, I can do anything I put my mind to in my own unique way. 

I might not have all the answers today…but I hope that I can get there tomorrow – and for those of you that have suspected, but never explored the possibility, give some food for thought.

If you’re finding a similar challenge to me, here’s some resources that I’ve found useful:

How to ADHD – Jessica McCabe’s highly recommended ADHD channel. You can also see her TEDx Talk here.

Creative Differences – Universal Music’s handbook for embracing Neurodiversity

Matt Willis in conversation with his psychiatrist about adult ADHD